Sunday, June 6, 2010

Homosexuality: Is is a choice or a genetic predisposition?

This is my Research Paper Final for my Psychology class. Enjoy! Comments gladly welcomed.
P.S. I did get an A+ on this paper. Which I am ver proud of. Not just the grade, but the actual paper and research and time, heart, and soul I put into this. 150 points out of a possible 150 points! Thank you Saralyn for your help, openess, fearlessness, strength, and bravery that helped make this paper what it came to be.

Running head: HOMOSEXUALITY






Homosexuality: Is it a choice or a genetic predisposition?

Kathleen Lindsay

Stevens-Henager College



Abstract

In this paper I will discuss homosexuality, and whether it is a choice or a genetic predisposition or if it is a combination of hereditary, biological, social, cultural, and psychological influences. I will discuss facts based on actual research studies and also interview a family member about her homosexuality. Finally I will conclude this paper and answer my specific research question and discuss how these findings apply to the real world.


 
HOMOSEXUALITY
Since the beginning of time, when man and woman were created or evolved, whichever you may believe; homosexuality has been considered taboo. There have been rally’s against it, hate crimes against it, and even laws to prevent two people of the same sex to be legally married and recognized under the law. Most recently, Proposition 8, or the “California Marriage Protection Act”, or to be specific, a ballot proposition and Constitutional Amendment that was passed in the November, 2008 state elections. This measure added a new provision to the California Constitution by restricting the definition of “marriage” to “opposite-sex” couples. The proposition overturned the California Supreme Court’s ruling of “In re Marriage Cases” that “same-sex” couples have the right to marry. Proposition 8 or Prop 8 for shorter terminology, caused a complete uproar around the country, and some might say, for a good reason. In most all organized religions it is considered a sin, and morally wrong to be a homosexual. And for a “same-sex” couple to be married in the eyes of American Law was just ludicrous for some, so the bill was passed. But like all things in life, there are two sides to this issue. Along with the people condemning homosexuality, there are people fighting for equal rights, who support homosexuality whether they are themselves homosexual, or not. There are marches and “Pride” parades, clubs and bars specified for gay and lesbian members, new purposed laws all in support of gay and lesbian rights and equality, and everyday all over this country there are still people gay and straight, trying very hard to get Prop 8 overturned.

Over the decades and changing times in this world, and through the supporters and non-supporters of homosexuality and equality, there is one question still raised by both sides. Homosexuality: is it a choice or is there a genetic predisposition? In my research for the answer to this question, I predict that I will find for the most part homosexuality is not a choice, but that in fact there is a certain genetic inclination that happens at the moment of conception. But I also predict that I will find that there are, and can be, other factors that can contribute to homosexuality, and that not all homosexuals are necessarily “born gay”.

In my quest to find answers to the above said question, my first step was to interview someone very close to me, who in fact happens to be a lesbian. Saralyn is a 23 year old, an “out of the closet”, very proud homosexual. I think her input on this subject for my research is crucial. Because she is a homosexual and lives this lifestyle and I believe she can give real, honest, and true insight to this age long question, from personal experience. Later on, I will discuss our very intimate interview to get a first hand response to her views and opinions as a homosexual on this topic. My second step was to do an extensive internet search to find numerous articles from peer-reviewed medical journals. Most of this research is quite scientific, so I will try to decipher it into a simpler way for not only myself, but you the reader, to understand as well. I also did quite a bit of research on Dean Hamer, PhD, Head, Gene Structure and Regulation Section, Senior Investigator currently of the National Cancer Institute, Bethesda, Maryland and Dean Byrd, PhD, Clinical Professor of Medicine at the University of Utah School of Medicine. Later on, you will see why these two men and their research are so important in my quest for answers and explanations.

My research began the best place I thought possible. I started with someone who has experience on this hot button topic, someone I have grown up with since the tender age of two months. Her name is Saralyn. Like I said before, she is a 23 year old, out and proud homosexual. Now I must say I’ve had very many, too many to count, in depth, personal and intimate conversations with Saralyn over our many years growing up together. But I don’t think any of them can come close to this one I am about to share with you. I cannot tell you how much I love and admire her for her pure strength and bravery to commit to letting me write about things so personal to her. I am so grateful for her allowing me to use her name, her words, and her personal life experiences with me, and now you the reader. I am utterly amazed, and I think you will be just as amazed as I am by her after reading parts of our interview.

After we got past the usual small talk, I dove right in with the personal questions. I began by asking her when she first realized she had feelings other than friendship or admiration, towards someone of the same sex, Saralyn replied, “It was second grade, it was a student teacher. Her name was Mrs. Griffin in my second grade class. I didn’t realize or notice there was anything different, or wrong about it. But my mom noticed, because every day after school I would go home and talk about her.” (Lepchenske, 2010). I asked her when she actually realized her feelings toward the same sex were different than the other girls her age, she said, “I think I actually realized it in maybe seventh grade, but I wasn’t certain until eighth grade. I had a friend that was a lesbian, and that is when I knew I had a crush on her. I felt like it was ok, because she was a lesbian. So I guess in my head it was okay. But I knew that those feelings were different than all my other friends who had crushes on other boys.” (Lepchenske, 2010). Coming next is the “big question”, probably the most significant question in my interview. The question I am on this journey to find the answer for, I almost felt nervous. But brushing that aside, I asked her if she believes she was born gay, “More than anything! I know that I was born gay. I know that I couldn’t change it, even if I wanted to. I’ve been there, and I did think for a while I could try. It obviously didn’t work, I think it solidified for me that I couldn’t just change it. It was who I am, who I have always been, and who I will always be.” (Lepchenske, 2010). I’m not sure why I felt nervous asking that question exactly, maybe I feel pressure because this is a very important question, with a very significant answer. Deep down I think I always knew that answer, word for word almost. But there is a sense of relief once this question is asked, and answered so elegantly. So after the pressure slightly decreased, I continued.

To dig deeper on her views, of not just herself personally, but of other homosexuals, I asked her if she believed that everyone who is homosexual is born gay, or if she thought there may be other factors in the equation. She replied quickly, almost as if she already knew the question was coming. “No. I think there are those who do choose it. Some circumstantially would prefer it, like you know, woman who have been sexually abused or raped, or are just flat out afraid of men. I think that they find a certain comfort in another woman. And I do believe some times girls will claim to be bisexual or a lesbian because it gets them attention. And I don’t agree with that whole thing at all. I think the people who do that are the ones that give us actual gay people a bad reputation of being really promiscuous or attention seekers. I think that has a lot to do with homosexuals not being taken seriously, and why a lot of people out there think it’s a choice for us.” (Lepchenske, 2010). My final question for Saralyn was simply to ask if there was anything else she’d like me to know, or include in this paper. Her response came with a pause, and then a sincere and genuine answer. “I think it shouldn’t matter if you are choosing to be gay or if you’re born gay, really. It shouldn’t be such a big issue. I’ve heard people say, that ‘if you are born gay it is easier to accept’, but it’s not. How is dealing with sexism, bigotry, and being hated by others easier to accept? I don’t understand. And I really don’t understand why it has to be such a big deal. It is two consenting human beings loving one another. I don’t get what exactly is so wrong with that.” (Lepchenske, 2010).

After such a heartfelt conversation with someone so dear to my heart, I was even more motivated to look for answers. So my next logical step was to look to science and find out what answers may be found there. I suppose I should start off with the earliest research I came across. In early 1991 a respected nueroanatomist, Simon LeVay did an extensive research study in effort to better understand, and also try to determine sexual preference. But I don’t think he took into account that when conducting such a study about homosexuality or any other behavior for that matter, that there must be a clear-cut picture of those who do and do not exhibit specific patterns, traits, and behaviors. This became clear, “While at the Salk Institute in La Jolla, Calif., LeVay did postmortem examinations of the brains of primarily young male victims of AIDS. In a study published in Science in 1991, he reported a difference between heterosexual and homosexual males in the size of the hypothalamus. But he could not really be certain about his subjects' sexual preferences, since they were dead. Also, the research design and subject sample did not allow others to determine whether it was sexual behavior, drug use, or disease history that was correlated with the observed differences among the subjects' brains. Even for the living, scientists must decide whether, when trying to classify a person as gay, to rely on the frequency of homosexual behavior, the age at which it began, or, as some psychiatrists have suggested, the presence of homoerotic fantasies. Compounding this difficulty is the reluctance of many gay people to admit their sexual preference.” (Billings, & Beckwith, 1993).

Next I was led to an American Geneticist, Dean Hamer. In 1993, it looked as though there was quite breakthrough in the pursuit for scientific answers pertaining to the possible genesis of homosexuality. This specific study by Hamer and his group included 33 homosexual male sibling-pairs and 36 lesbian sibling families. Of the 33 male pairs, 32 were informative, and a significant number of these, 22, which equals about 67%, shared all of their Xq28 markers. The Xq28 marker is found on the long arm of the X chromosome. So among heterosexual brothers in the 11 families studied in an independent test for Xq28 linkage, the estimated level of Xq28 sharing was only 22%, well below the original hypothesis of 50%. And through multipoint interval mapping it showed that the sexual preference determining the location of Xq28 resides in an X-specific portion of the chromosome and not in an area with X/Y homology. A few years later, in 1995, Richard Horton published an article titled “Xq28 and Brain Structures Again Tied to Sexuality” in the London based newspaper, The Lancet. “Data reported last week from a team led by Dean Hamer at the National Cancer Institute corroborate their earlier findings that Xq28 is associated with male homosexuality. These latest results extend the group's previous work by showing that Xq28 does not seem to influence sexual preference amongst lesbian sisters. Moreover, the new report answers one of the persistent criticisms of their earlier paper, that no comparison was made of Xq28 linkage between pairs of gay brothers and their heterosexual siblings” (Horton, 1995). But Hamer’s group also admitted later, “It is highly unlikely that any single genetic variation or allele will be present in all homosexual individuals or absent from all heterosexual individuals". Moreover, their results "cannot be extrapolated to individuals who do not meet our inclusion criteria...", an important point for those trying to replicate these findings. Indeed, even in this enriched population, Xq28 was neither necessary nor sufficient to determine sexual preference.” (Horton, 1995).

Next on my research path I found an article about a study by a man named Qazi Rahman. The study done by Rahman was a little different approach than LeVay and Hamer’s studies, and I liked that. Did you know that men and women blink differently when startled? It’s true. And that single observation led Rahman and his University of East London colleagues to evidence supporting the idea that homosexuality is a certain characteristic in which people are born with, rather than a characteristic they might develop as they grow up. Rahman’s team’s research showed that “lesbians blink like heterosexual men. That, in turn, suggests that part of their brain that controls this reflux may be masculinized in the womb.” (The Economist, 2003).

The article goes on to explain this blinking theory; “anyone who is startled by an unexpected noise tends to blink. If, however, the startling noise is preceded by a quieter sound, this blink is not as vigorous as it would otherwise have been. It is this lack of vigor which differs between the sexes. Men blink less vigorously than women when primed in this way. Given such a clear and simple distinction, testing the responses of homosexuals to noise seemed an obvious experiment to do. So Dr. Rahman and his colleagues did it. Their subjects, men and women, gay and straight, were sat down one by one in a dimly lit room. The muscles that cause blinking were wired up with recording electrodes, and the subjects were fitted with headphones through which the sounds (sometimes a single startling noise, and sometimes a combination of soft and loud) were fed. In the latter case, as compared with the former, straight men had blinks that were 40% less vigorous. In the case of straight women the drop was 13%. Lesbians dropped 33% which, statistically, made them more similar to straight men than straight women. Gay men were also intermediate, although in their case the difference was not statistically significant. Even in this apparently trivial matter, it seems, lesbians have male-like brains.” (The Economist, 2003).

So you may ask, what exactly does blinking have to do with anything? Well, here is the concluding explanation. “By default, people are female. Without the influence of testosterone in the womb, a fetus will develop into a girl. The way testosterone acts to turn a fetus male is still poorly understood. It seems likely, though, that different organs respond independently to the hormone, and may do so at different times. Hormonal surges at critical moments could thus cause particular organs in an otherwise female body to become "male". (A lull in hormone production might have the opposite effect.) If the organ concerned is the brain, the result is more male-like behavior including, possibly, male-type sexual preferences. Previous research has provided some evidence for this idea. Lesbians, for instance, are more accurate throwers of objects such as darts than straight women. In this they resemble straight men in a way that has nothing to do with sexual preference. And tissues other than the brain may be affected, too. On average, lesbians have ring fingers that are longer than their index fingers, a feature that is typical of men but not of heterosexual women. In that context, a difference in the blink of an eye is no surprise at all.” (The Economist, 2003).

So now that I have given a few examples of some scientific studies, I would like to give you some psychological explanations that are a bit more on the contrary. This part of my research was interesting. And just as I said at the beginning of this paper, that there are always two sides to this issue, this just proves that to be true. In 1994 a sociology professor from the University of Chicago named Edward Laumann did a research study of “Sexuality in Urban Places”, and it was published in a Detroit, Michigan publication called Human Biology. It states, “Laumann et al. (1994) found that the percentage of gay men in large U.S. cities is much higher than that in rural areas. Some of this differential is a result of the migration of gays from country to city, but Laumann also found that gay men were disproportionately born in urban areas. This could be a result from environmental exposure, a reporting artifact (urban gays might be more candid about their orientation), or a genetic effect such that people with “gay genes” are more likely to be city dwellers.” (Pillard, & Bailey, 1998). Basically, Laumann is saying that homosexuality is environmental.

And lastly, my research led me right back home to someone in my own backyard here in Salt Lake City, Utah. I found a very interesting and enlightening article on a website, www.fairlds.org, I had never heard of this website before. I was skeptical about it until I read further. But before I begin talking about the research, I should start off by telling you exactly what it is; “FAIR stands for The Foundation for Apologetic Information and Research.” (FAIR, 2010). Before I get into anything, I should stress that “FAIR is not owned, controlled, or affiliated with The Church of Jesus Christ of The Latter-day Saints. All research and opinions provided on the site are the sole responsibility of FAIR, and should not be interpreted as official statements of LDS doctrine, belief, or practice.” (FAIR, 2010). But there was an article on there from a conference they had back in 2004 and their guest speaker was Dean Byrd, Ph.D., MBA, and MPH. The whole discussion given by Dean Byrd was dictated by someone from FAIR and was then posted to their website. I read the whole thing, which was pretty long but nonetheless, intriguing. Because I already have other things I’d like to cite in this paper, I would just like to put in the part that I found to be beneficial to my topic and search for answers to my question and hypothesis. When wrapping up this first part of his discussion about his opinion on past studies and the biology and genesis of homosexuality he states, “Critical reviews of the studies attempting to link biology and homosexuality, and subsequent acknowledgments by the researchers themselves, yield only one conclusion: biology alone is insufficient to explain the development of homosexuality. Any reputable scientist, regardless of which side of the political debate he or she embraces, when asked whether homosexuality is nature or nurture, must answer "yes." What is fascinating is that more than 50 % of the scientists who report research in this area are self-identified as gay or lesbian.” (Byrd, 2004).

Now that I am almost 10 pages in and my research has been concluded, it’s time for me to start winding this down into a final discussion. I would like to talk for a moment about the first day of class, when I was presented with this task. I wasn’t sure exactly what topic I would pick, I had so many ideas I just couldn’t settle on one. So I cracked open the psychology book and went through it chapter by chapter. Finally, something spoke to me. Chapter 11, Gender and Sexuality. And the question just came to my mind as soon as I could process the title of the chapter. Are you born gay or do you choose it? This topic has always hit home with me for a few different reasons. One of which I have presented to you, my cousin, my best friend, my sister, my soul mate Saralyn, is homosexual. But that has never made her any different in my eyes. In fact, I couldn’t love or respect her anymore than I do today, right this minute. So as I’ve seen her struggle with coming out, and finally being comfortable with who she is, and always has been, there still has been a certain emotional stigma that has come along with her sexual orientation. It has nothing at all to do with her, honestly. But it does have everything to do with my father, and the pain I suffered when I lost him when I was 9 years old.

Here is just a little quick history to make this less awkward. My dad was in the Air Force when he met my mom in 1982, for some reason he married her, had two kids with her, and then while my mom was in the hospital with me in the NICU, my dad got a boyfriend. My parents got a divorce when I was only a couple of weeks old, to say the least, my mom found out about my dad’s extracurricular activities and it was all too much for her. I never really knew him, he lived across the country. But just as I was old enough to understand that I did have a dad, I was informed he was dying, of AIDS. And in almost the same sentence, I was also informed he was gay. I only met him twice before he passed away, but it was a very painful experience. So not knowing any better I grew up thinking all gay people contract and die of AIDS. What can I say? My mom did her best to shelter her kids, she didn’t want her kids to be picked on or feel different. Things were already different. She was a single mom, and we lived on welfare. I can’t say I blame her for trying to spare us from the confusion and pain that would come along with the knowledge of the truth about my dad. All the unanswered questions I have still haunt me, and eat me up inside. But I think I was finally able to answer one of them with this project, and to me, no letter grade or amount of points received can compare to that feeling of peace.

I really think Dean Hamer and his group of researchers were on to something good when they discovered the Xq28 gene. It all just sounds very plausible to me. Obviously that study had its flaws, like everything else in the world. But I do believe in the future there will be less flaws, and more solid answers. In the real world do I think it would change anything about the taboo of homosexuality, or that homosexuals will be treated equally if there is solid proof that homosexuality is a genetic predisposition? To answer honestly, no I don’t. And that saddens me more than I can put into words. But I do think, for some people that do struggle constantly with their sexual orientation, it might give them a certain comfort. What that may be, I don’t think I’ll ever know.

Through out this process I have learned more than I could have ever hoped for. Also through my research I have been able to realize not to just look for the answers that I, myself, want to hear. Before I really even started researching this topic I caught a glimpse of something in the course psychology book. It was a question, followed by an answer. That was when I knew I could not be completely one sided about this. It says, “What determines a person’s sexual orientation? Research suggests that hereditary, biological, social, cultural, and psychological influences combine to produce one’s sexual orientation.” (Coon, & Mitterer, 2010 p.361). I do agree with this for the most part. It is basically what I predicted my hypothesis to be, it is just worded differently. Also, in Dean Byrd’s discussion he says clearly, “biology alone is insufficient to explain the development of homosexuality.” (Byrd, 2004).

So was my hypothesis right then? Based purely on my research, I think I came as close to being right as possible. Not every person is the same, and no two people share the exact same feelings, biology, social, environmental, or psychological influences. Every person’s life and situations are different. I think all of the above research supports my previous statement.

I really believe all we can hope for in life is to love, and be loved back. I don’t think it should matter if you happen to love someone of the same-sex or choose to love someone of the same-sex. If there is one common trait among mankind, it is our ability and capability to love. It shouldn’t matter who that person on the receiving end of our love. As long as that love can be honored, cherished, and reciprocated, love can never be wrong. Same-sex or opposite-sex, love is simply and perfectly, love.


References

Billings, Paul, & Beckwith, Jonathan. (1993, July). Born gay? Technology Review, 96(5), 60.
Retrieved May 31, 2010, from Research Library Core. (Document ID: 828814). http://proquest.umi.com/pqdweb?did=828814&Fmt=3&clientId=49285&RQT=309&VName=PQD

Byrd, Dean. Born That Way? Facts and Fiction about Homosexuality (2004)
Retrieved May 27, 2010, from: http://www.fairlds.org/FAIR_Conferences/2004_Facts_and_Fiction_about_Homosexuality.html#enloc15

Coon, D. & Mitterer, J. (2010) Introduction to Psychology: Gateways to Mind and Behavior,
Twelfth Edition. p.361

Horton, Richard. (1995). Xq28 and brain structures again tied to sexuality. The Lancet, 346(8985), 1289. Retrieved May 31, 2010, from Research Library Core. (Document ID: 7749341). http://proquest.umi.com/pqdweb?did=7749341&sid=2&Fmt=3&clientId=49285&RQT=309&VName=PQD

Lepchenske, Saralyn. (2010) Personal interview, self proclaimed homosexual. May 22, 2010.

Pillard, R. & Bailey, M. (1998). Human sexual orientation has a heritable component. Human Biology, 70(2), 347-365. Retrieved May 31, 2010, from Research Library Core. (Document ID: 27663273). http://proquest.umi.com/pqdweb?did=27663273&sid=2&Fmt=4&clientId=49285&RQT=309&VName=PQD

Science and Technology: Dyed in the womb; Homosexuality. (2003, October). The Economist, 369(8345), 81. Retrieved May 31, 2010, from Research Library Core. (Document ID: 422419091). http://proquest.umi.com/pqdweb?did=422419091&sid=2&Fmt=3&clientId=49285&RQT=309&VName=PQD

The Foundation for Apologetic Information & Research. FAIR—Defending Mormonism. (2010).
Retrieved May 30, 2010, from http://www.fairlds.org

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Lucky Charms and Us

Eight a.m. on the dot,
Half asleep, I somehow manage to mumble “Oh Kohen Scott”.
He’s calling out my name; he’s ready to start the day,
I, however, am not in the mood to play.
I open the door to see blankets and toys thrown all over the place,
And then an innocent “Hi!” squeals from the direction of his smiling face.
His arms open wide,
My heart swelling with pride.
I rub my eyes and smile, “I love you” I say,
“GoMornin’” he says as I walk his way.
After hugs and kisses, down the stairs we go,
He asks for cereal and his favorite show.
As I hold my head in close to his,
I say, “’Lucky Charms’ and ‘Cars’ it is!”
And just like yesterday, and the day before,
Half of the bowl ends up on the floor,
And before I know it, he’s asking for more.
So I sit, right there next to him and memorize his every move,
And then I realize I’ve got nothing left to prove.
My little man loves me no matter what,
He doesn’t care when I don’t wear make-up, or dress-up, or about the last time I had a haircut.
I’m his Mama.
His Hero.
His Protector.
His one and always constant.
In his eyes, I can do anything,
And in his heart I am his everything.
As time goes by and I watch him grow,
There’s one thing that will never change this I know,
If being his Mama is the only thing I ever do right,
My life will be complete, and I can sleep at night.
Gazing over at him I start to feel a tear,
Only then to realize a Lucky Charm has hit me in the ear.
He laughs a sneaky little laugh until my eyes meet his,
And I can’t help but grin and say, “’Lucky Charms’ and ‘Us’ it is!”
8:15 on the dot,
I think to myself, “Oh how I love you, Kohen Scott”.

This intellectual property belongs to Kattie Lindsay. Do not copy, replicate, change this, or claim it as your own. You’re welcome to share this if proper writing credit is given upon doing so.
© Kattie Lindsay 2016

Letter To The Editor - In Touch Weekly

In Touch Weekly – Letter to the Editor




Undeserved attention and fame for immoral and shameful behavior.

Kattie Lindsay – Salt Lake City, Utah



I am finding it so disturbing that you are plastering these whole cheating scandals between Tiger Woods and Jesse James all over the covers of your magazine, every single week. And I find it even more disturbing and disgusting that you are publishing personal text messages from their grossly fame-starved mistresses. I understand that you are just trying to make money off of these cheap stories, but do you understand how many people you are hurting by doing this?

Isn’t it bad enough that these stories are plastered all over “entertainment news” programs such as Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, and Inside Edition? Why are you letting these home-wrecking, pole dancing, porn stars give personal and very intimate details about their affairs in these classless interviews? It’s obvious they do not care about the feelings of the spouses and families of these cheating husbands. And by publishing this trash in you magazines, you are proving that you do not care and are just as classless as these home-wrecking women.

It is unfair, and unjust to the victims involved in these situations that you are participating in this garbage. It seems you’ll publish anything, even without merit, to make a buck. Where are your values? Do you even care that you are hurting countless people by publishing this for the world to read? You are giving these women undeserved attention, and fame for very shameful behavior. What these women have done, and are continuing to do is immoral and wrong in so many ways. I think you should be ashamed of yourselves for contributing to this already painful and devastating situation. Please open your heart, and have some empathy for the victims in these situations, and stop rewarding these trashy women by paying them for interviews. Have some morals, and some class. And let these victims work through this terrible time in their lives with some dignity, respect and privacy.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Always, Only You

I’m still amazed how your touch makes breathing seem so hard to do,

And I’m so mesmerized that the light in my eyes still reflects you.

You know, that we both know it hasn’t been easy to get to this place,

But it’s all worth it at the end of the day, when I see that smile upon your face.

It doesn’t matter what they all might say,

Because at the end of the day,

My heart still holds you,

And it’s always, only you.

Always, only you.

Time still slows down whenever you’re around,

And still, even on my worst day you pick me up off the ground.

My heart still races when you say my name,

And though time has changed so much, my love for you still remains the same.

Even through everything that brought us both so much pain,

We silently stood beside each other and made it through the rain.

So don’t be afraid,

My love for you will never fade.

Don’t ever listen to what they all say,

Because at the end of the day,

My heart still holds you,

And it’s always, only you.

Always, only you.

And even if the desert is cold, and the grass turns blue,

There will never be a day that comes, that I’ll stop loving you.

No matter what life throws our way,

At the end of every single day,

I promise it’s always gonna be only you.

Always, only you.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Defeated By You

Two quarters, four pennies, is all I got to my name,

Sixty-two hours, and I still wait, pacing the floor.

My heart still aches, nothing’s changed, I still feel the same,

But still, I’m waiting on you, to walk through the door.

Baby, I’m losing my mind,

I don’t know what to do,

I’m still looking, but I got nothing to find,

I don’t know what to do,

Somehow I lost you.



I try to remember all the things I said,

But thoughts of emptiness fill my head.

I hate this.

But I hate you more...

Simply, because I love you so much.

And I can't stand the way I still yearn for your touch.

I’m just another victim who,

Is just one more casualty defeated by you.



I should have, could have, would have, said I needed you.

They all think I’m moving on,

And that’s what I should do,

But you know the truth is, I’m just not that strong,

And the truth is, I just can’t let you go.

I’m losing my mind,

I don’t know what to do,

I’m still looking, but I got nothing to find,

I don’t know what to do,

How did I lose you?



I try to remember all the things you said,

But thoughts of emptiness fill my head.

I hate this. But I hate you more...

Simply, because I love you so much.

And I can't stand the way I still yearn for your touch.

I can’t let myself be another victim who,

Is just one more casualty defeated by you.



Oh how this house seems so small,

When you’re waiting by the phone.

You know I’d rather hurt, than feel nothing at all,

And I’d rather miss you, than feel so alone.

I’m still waiting up for you,

Baby, I’m still holding out hope for you.

Don’t tell me I lost you,

Cuz I can’t let myself be another victim who,

Is just another casualty defeated by you.

Don’t lose faith in me, because I know what I need to do,

I promise I will come find you.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Snowflakes and Static Shocks

Weeping willows and acoustic guitar riffs,
Paper airplanes and imaginary sentimental gifts,
Kisses in the rain and old coffee at midnight,
Smoke rings and dreams of a dress in white.
All of these things have a way of making my heart weak,
And the way they fit together makes them so unique.
So I’m going to smile, because I deserve to.
I’m going to miss you, because I need to.

At night he amazes me,
Until the sun comes up and I realize he’s left me.
God it makes me feel so weak,
I forget how to speak.
I can’t explain it,
All I know is I feel it.


Snowflakes and static shocks,
Whispers in the dark and beeping alarm clocks,
Sweet Pea and candle light,
Secret notes and staying up all night.
All of these things are forever memories of you,
And no one else could make them mean something the way that you do.
So I’m going to cry, because I have to.
I’m going to miss you, because I need to.
But still, I’m going to smile, because I deserve to.

I amaze myself at night,
Because when the sun comes up I know I’m still alright.
And sometimes I still feel weak,
But I’ve finally learned how to speak.
I still can’t explain it,
All I know is I feel it.
So as I write this down one last time,
I’ll make it pretty and make it rhyme.
Just know I understand that you can’t help how you don’t feel,
But no matter what I’m still going to tell myself what we had was real.
And I still believe it was all worth my while.
So even if it kills me, I’m going to smile.

This intellectual property belongs to Kattie Lindsay. Do not copy, replicate, change this, or claim it as your own. You’re welcome to share this if proper writing credit is given upon doing so.
© Kattie Lindsay 2016

I Am Not Enough

I loved you, inside and out.


Even when the darkness of your past, cast me with doubt.

I gave you my mind and my whole heart.

Because you looked me in the eye and swore nothing would ever tear us apart.

I made you my life, and the reason for my whole existence.

I was sure that the love we had could make it through the distance.

But I, was not enough.

I tried to fullfill your every need, and be what I thought you wanted me to be,

But that all came crashing down, when I realized I could never be.

I could never contend with your dream,

And trying to compete was like dead weight swimming upstream.

No matter what I did, I could never compare,

And soon the competition just became too much to bear.

There was nothing needed to show,

No words were ever needed to know,

That I, would never be enough.

I gave you a gift that no one else could give,

And I believed you when you said it was the reason you lived.

I just wanted you to be there,

But when I needed you the most, you were too caught up in your dreams to care.

I gave you chance after chance to create our own dream.

But you constantly pushed that aside to chase your own dream.

Maybe I should've learned the first time you left my dreams behind,

But I thought my love would open your eyes, then I soon realized I was the one that was blind.

I don't know why it took so long for me to finally see,

That there was a difference in who I thought you were and, what you would never be.

But now it's all clear,

No words are needed to hear,

That no matter what, I, can never be enough.

My heart honestly breaks for you,

That you really don't even have a clue.

You think you're following your heart,

But in reality, you're only ripping your true dreams apart.

I wish I could say I was sorry,

That,

I am.

Not enough.

I.

Was.

Never.

Enough.

But after I've picked up all the pieces,

And the thinkness around my heart decreases,

Someone, Who you never were for me,

Will finally see the stregnth I have within me.

And will truly show,

And let me really know,

That I,

Am,

Enough.